I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
