Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
