i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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