when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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