dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
