Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
