My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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