At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
