How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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