I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
