I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
