why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
