I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
