She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
