Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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