Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
