So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
