i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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