Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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