Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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