almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
