Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I FOUND THE LEGS
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
