I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my being single is dangerous.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
