Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How naked do you want me to be?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
