I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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