Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
