she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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