someone owes me an orgasm
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
