My room smells like vodka and shame
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
