Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
