A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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