he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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