I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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