I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
