Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
