why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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