the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
