Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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