This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Text me some of your sweat
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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