I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
