So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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