My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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