i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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