The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
