Cold hands, warm shart.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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