come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
soo... how was my night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
