every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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