My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
