I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
