If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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