i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
